CP9: Perfect Match
by SoiArt
Summary: What if the Cipher Pol 9 were hosts and contestants on their very own game show? Rated M for language and some sexual innuendo if you squint with a magnifying glass. *Complete*


**A/N: Okay, so this was completely random. I was watching some game shows and then I thought to myself, 'hey what if CP9 hosted and starred in their own reality dating game show. Wouldn't that be bizarre?' I then said, 'self, I think that'd be a great idea for a plot.' Now over looking my very possible deranged mental state I give you CP9: Perfect Match.**

**Warnings: Rated M for language and some sexual innuendo if you squint.**

**Disclaimer: The infamous game show is mine, sadly the characters are not.**

**If you're wondering how Luffy got inside don't… I didn't really think about that part. Some Characters are slightly OOC.**

**(And yes this ****AU**** is a result of my procrastination.** **Gomenasai~) **

**Enjoy~**

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"Chapapa, I'm your host Fukurō and this is the infamous reality dating show Blind Date."

The audience erupted into a chorus of applause as the rounded green haired announcer rolled onto the stage.

"Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. For those new to the show, I'll explain the rules of the game." The lights suddenly dimmed as Fukurō stepped into the spotlight. "Our contestant or in this case, bachelors, will come up stage where they will then be asked various questions by our lovely _surprise_ co-host. Then by evaluating their answers as well as the answers of the possible matches we can come up with the perfect match and our bachelor shall be a bachelor no more." Light applause filled the studio. "However there's a huge catch, while our bachelor's may have an idea on what's going on, our matches are currently in the dark, and boy are some of them pissed…*cough* Jyabura *cough*.Any way without further adieu introducing our first guest. A man from umm (insert cricket chirps), Give it up for our first possible bachelor Kumadori of CP9!"

From a far off distance a gong sounded. "YOYOI~!" The audience fell silent, as the large pink haired man made his way onto the stage. Kumadori then began rolling his head while hopping on one foot.

"DUE TO THE DELICATE BALANCE OF THIS WORLD, I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO CONTINUE ON WITH MY JOURNEY IN THIS LIFE. OH MOTHER IN HEAVEN GRANT ME YOUR DIVINE PROTECTING AS I PARTAKE IN THIS WORLDLY SHOW OF GAME IN HOPE OF PLEASING YOUR WITH A PARTNER SUITABLE TO YOUR TASTES~!"

"Uhhh…" Fukurō gives Kumadori a deadpanned stare. "Excuse me Bachelor, Kumadori; are you going to be talking like that throughout the entire show?"

"WHY OF COURSE, THIS IS HOW I AM ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH THE SPIRITS THAT DWELL WITHIN THIS EARTHLY BIND. IF NOT NOW WHEN MUST I PROCEED TO LET MY TEACHINGS BE KNOWN? ALL THIS TRAINING WOULD HAVE GONE TO WASTE IF I FOLLOW THE WAY OF THE WARY MAN~!"

"Yeah, I don't think this will work out…" Fukurō shook his head.

"WHAT! HAVE I NOT DONE WELL?! OH WHAT FAULT HAVE I DONE TO RECEIVE SUCH AN ENDOWMENT, I MUST OBTAIN FOR MY SINS THROUGH SEPPUKU~!" Kumadori reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out a long blade. He raises it above his head earning startled gasps from the audience. He then stabs himself in the heart. "TEKKAI! OH WOE IS ME, FOR I AM UNABLE TO CLEANSE MY SINS THROUGH DEATH~!"

Fukurō comes up behind Kumadori and proceeds to kick the pinkette off the stage.

"Chapapa~ I think it would b best to call up our next bachelor." Sighs of relief could be heard across the entire audience. "Now our next bachelor was very resistant, in fact most of our bachelors are. But that little set back wasn't going to stop us." The audience is quiet. "Thank you, Thank you." Fukurō bows. "Give it up for Rob Lucci of CP9." The audience then exploded into jovial applause.

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Rob Lucci glared sternly at the stage before him. 'Stupid Fukurō, to think he'd go as low as tranquilizing him.' Lucci though bitterly. He rubbed his aching neck. Why when, this is over he'd kick all their asses if not killing them first. From his shoulder Hattori cooed, before taking off to perch on a towering stage light. Lucci was thankful for the little bird. The sound of his long life friend calmed him completely. Sighing quietly to himself, Lucci began to ascend up the stairs and onto the stage.

"ROB LUCCI!" Fukurō's obnoxiously loud voice filled his ears, causing him to wince.

'Tsk' for now Lucci decided it'd be best to play along with this silly game his team mates pulled out of their asses. He could always blame it on the tranquilizer later... On the stage Lucci was greeted with a painfully bright spotlight.

"What the hell Fukurō!" Lucci growled, his glare, bloodthirsty and ruthless. Announcer Fukurō smiled brightly ignoring the now menacing aura.

"Oh no, bachelor Lucci from this point on, I'm not allowed to speak unless instructed to by our lovely co-host Kalifa." Fukurō then proceeded to zip up his zipper like mouth. "See," He mumbled from his sealed shut mouth.

Lucci scoffed, "tsk, whatever."

Suddenly the stage lights all flicked on and horrific music filled the studio. Fuming at the cheesiness of the entire scene Lucci angrily made his way to his specified chair.

'I will kill them all.' Lucci chanted his mantra in his head while he proceeded to sit down into the chair with a dull thud.

Unzipping his mouth, Fukurō smiled as toothy grin. "AND NOW!" He declared, "I will now explain the rules to our Lucky Bachelor."

"Lucky my ass…" Lucci grumbled.

Ignoring him, Fukurō continued. "As I was saying, as of right now only Lucci-san knows what's 'actually' going on," Fukurō used air quotes to get his point across. From the audience oohhs and ahhs could be heard. "Our other contestants have little to no idea what's happening-"

"Poor bastards," Lucci muttered sarcastically. Fukurō glared at the dark haired man's sudden outburst.

"Again, ignoring that, the lovely Kalifa-san will then ask you, Rob Lucci, some questions. The questions have been worded in order to determine your perfect match." Fukurō pointed enthusiastically at Lucci, who in turn rolled his eyes. "Also remember that even though the contestants have no idea what going on, before hand they were asked their own set of questions and are somewhat compatible with you, so the overall results shouldn't be too shocking."

Lucci raised an eyebrow in question. "Wait-"

"So with that said, I give you the lovely Kalifa of Cipher Pol 9!" Applause broke out as said blonde haired woman waltzed onto the stage.

"Hello," Kalifa used her hand to adjust her thin framed glasses. "It's nice to be here and not a contestant…no offense Lucci-san."

Lucci nodded. "None taken," He smirked at the women's uncharacteristically honest reaction.

"Anyway time to get back to business," Kalifa directed her full attention towards Lucci. "Lucci-san here's question-" Before Kalifa could finish, a far off gong sounded, singling the return of Kumadori.

"YOYOI~!" Kumadori jumped onto the stage. He then began hopping on one foot. "IF I SO RECALL, IT WAS I WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING THIS SHOW OF GAME!"

Kalifa, Lucci, and Fukurō face palm.

"Uhhh…" Fukurō says rubbing his temple "I don't think-"

"I'll take care of this… Rokushiki~! " Kalifa brought her leg down aiming it a Kumadori's head, " Rankyaku~! " Sensing the incoming attack, Kumadori yelps.

"GEPPO~!" He says jumping into the air. He was able to evade the attack, but only just barely.

"Shigan!" Lucci catches him off guard and sends him flying into a nearby speaker. The audience goes crazy at the new involvement. Now unconscious Kumadori wasn't going to be disrupting any time soon.

"Good riddance," Fukurō said with a huff, "and now back to the questions… Kalifa?"

Kalifa smiled as she readjusted he glasses, "Oh of course, Question number one…"

The audience fell deadly silent as the game finally began.

"Rob Lucci, being a leopard man yourself what animal from the following list would you say, tasted the best: bulls, wolfs, giraffes, or monkeys?

Lucci though long and hard about the question at hand; obviously the animals were somehow related to the other contestants. Unluckily for Lucci due to his lack of social skills and ignorance towards anyone other than himself he had absolutely no clue, what so ever. So he decided to take a more logical approach. Logically thinking he'd have to say either giraffes or monkeys. Bulls he debated had pesky horns that would get in the way of a sure kill and wolves were irritating with their cunning and mischievous natures. Now that you mention it monkeys were also annoying always hoping around and never staying in one place. At least with a giraffe, Lucci wouldn't have to deal with any annoying habits that would get in the way plus he could take pride in bringing down a beast of that caliber.

"Giraffe," Lucci said stoically. The audience gasped at his answer.

"What?" Lucci asked in annoyance at the large group of on lookers.

"Nothing," Kalifa answered on behalf of the audience, "Moving on… Question number two. Personally out of the following choices what would you say is of most importance: Winning, keeping up appearances, your nakama, the greater good or-"

Lucci immediately cut Kalifa off. "The greater good…Justice…"

"Okay? Are you sure you don't want to hear the other choices?" Kalifa asked.

"No, I don't." Lucci replied promptly.

"Fine, onto Question number three… What do you think is most important when picking the ideal mate? Appearances in general including eyes, noses, hair; ability to carry themselves in a proper manner; loyalty, honesty, and other good morals; ability to live life to the fullest; ability to carry their own weight; love for others; good social skills; confidence in themselves; optimistic view of life; pessimistic views on life-"

"Any time soon, I haven't got all day, you know." Lucci retorted sarcastically.

Kalifa icy blue eyes narrowed. "Fine," She said throwing down her list, "Just tell me yourself…_ungrateful bastard_…"

Lucci shrugged. "Well, they can't be weak or squeamish to the point I have to constantly be saving them. Nor should they be a pompous bastard."

Kalifa snorted, "Opposites attract, I see…"

Lucci disregarded her comment. "They also must believe in justice, be confident in their own abilities, and strive to better themselves. They should be modest and have a somewhat optimistic view on life. Appearances aren't that great of an importance to me, neither is gender-"

Before Lucci could finish the audience went wild, causing Fukurō to grin widely.

"You hear that folks," He said through zipper like teeth, "Rob Lucci isn't blind to gender. Love is love no matter what."

"WHAT!" Lucci growled, disregarding his calm composure.

Kalifa smiled ear to ear. "Oh nothing Lucci-san I didn't take you as the bisexual type."

Lucci flicked her off.

'_Rude' _Kalifa hissed under her breath."Anyway on to the last and final question… Question number four, Does age matter to you? Or more to put it more specifically do you like your lovers older or younger than you. Lucci-san what is your answer."

Everyone in the audience strained their ears ready to catch what would possibly be the craziest statement in all of CP9 history.

"So Lucci-san what are you views on the matter?" Kalifa asked again.

Honestly, Lucci had never really thought about age when concerning possible lovers. Well of course they should be legal, he wasn't a pedophile nor was he looking for some seventy year old man/woman.

"Well," He began, "I guess I would have to say younger than me," Fukurō and Kalifa as well as the audience gasped. "But, but they'd have to be mature enough to handle themselves. I will not by any chance tolerate babysitting a child."

Kalifa nodded enthusiastically. "I see, well you're in luck Lucci-san, because it looks like your scores have been tallied. By taking account of your previous answers along with the one we just finished, it seems that out of our four possible contestants, only one is a logical choice for your mate."

"What?" Lucci was perplexed, "But, you only asked me four questions!?"

Kalifa dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "According to these results that was four questions to many. Seriously Lucci as an agent you might be the best, but as a person you're very easy to read." She laughed at his expense. "Well then, here are the other contestants that weren't chosen."

The stages lights were now redirected to the large red curtain at the center of the stage.

"BRING OUT THE CONTESTANTS!" Fukurō's voice boomed.

As everyone directed their attention to the center of the stage, Lucci stared in disbelief as Blueno, Jyabura, and Monkey D. Luffy crossed the stage."

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" Lucci screamed his blood boiling in his veins. "WHY THE FUCK IS **HE** HERE!"

Kalifa tried her best to calm him. "Lucci-san, calm down he's not looking for a fight. In fact there only reason he's here is for meat. We brought him onto the show to test out a theory however seeing as how you didn't pick him as your perfect match, I guess it's safe to just leave things for now and pick up on your fight a later day."

"Fine," Lucci grumbled _"Fucking tranquilizers would let me fight at full strength anyway."_

"Waaaa~ where's the meat I was promised~!" Luffy whined completely oblivious to his surroundings.

Kalifa playfully nudged Lucci in the elbow. "See? Totally unaware…"

From the staged Jyabura yelled, "Shut it Mugiwara! You're way to fucking loud!"

"Hugh?" Luffy blinked, "Wait, you're not Zoro or Sanji…ZOOOOOOOOORRRROOOOOO! SAAAANNNNNNJJJJJIIIIIIII~! WHERE ARE YOU~!"

Lucci winced. 'Damn brat was louder than Kumadori by a long shot.' "Kalifa," He asked the blonde, "Please, get him out of here before my ear drums explode." He pleaded.

Kalifa nodded in understanding. "Will do," She then whistled for security. "Could you please escort Mugiwara-san as well as the other contestants off the premises? Thank you."

"Wait!" Jyabura yelled, "Will someone tell me what's going on?"

"Nope…." Lucci answered. He could practically see the steam coming from the wolf's ears.

"You stupid mother fucking cock sucking shitty pick of-"

"That's enough out of you," Said the security guard as he kicked Jyabura out followed by a very bored looking Blueno.

"Idiot…" Blueno said monotony.

The audience watched in awe as the infamous 300,000,000 beli pirate was lured out of the stage with none other than a piece of meat.

"Meat~!" Luffy mouth watered as he followed the generous portion of meat right out the studio's large doors.

Finally, with that taken care of Fukurō stepped back onto the stage.

"Chapapa~ AND NOW," Fukurō screamed into his mike, "THE MOMENT WE"VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…ROB LUCCI I GIVE YOU, YOUR PERFECT MATCH!"

The curtains at the center of the sage were suddenly pulled up all the way to reveal a very confused looking Kaku."

"This isn't the salad bar?" Kaku said, observing the studio as a whole. "Is anyone going to tell me what's going on?"

The audience lost it. All hell broke loose as the insane uproar shook the buildings foundation at its core. One spectator boldly yelled, "Go get your man" Earning a very angry glare from Lucci.

Lucci's face flushed bright red as soon as Kaku stepped into the spotlight. His dark cap was missing and so his orange hair easily fell at the side of his face. He had on a dark suit similar to his own and boy it worked for him. Quickly Lucci broke eye contact with Kaku and turned to face away from the cameras. 'Kaku was his perfect match?!' Lucci felt his heart beat a hundred beats per minute. Sure on the outside he appeared cool and collected. On the inside however he was freaking out.

Kaku turned to face the dark haired man. "Hey, Lucci do you know what's going on?" When Lucci didn't face him, he raised a questioning eyebrow. "Lucci, what going on?" He asked again, this time more serious.

"K-K-Kaku…umm…well…" Lucci couldn't find his voice. For the first time in ages, Rob Lucci was speechless. If only Hattori, the pigeon, was there. _Curses..._

Lucci was thankful when Kalifa took control of the situation.

"Okay Kaku, here's the situation. You're on the infamous reality dating show Blind Date."

"umm okay? That still doesn't explain-"

"Lucci-san here is our contestant for today and you, Kaku, ended up being his perfect match."

"WHAT?!"

Kalifa rolled her eyes. "You're going to go on a date with Lucci-san on behalf of the show." She smiled widely.

Kaku's eyes widened as comprehension dawned on him. _'Lucci's perfect match?!'_ Someone definitely had to be bull shitting him.

Lucci watched Kaku's feature closely trying to figure out what the younger man was thinking. Did he actually not understand what position he was in? Lucci was starting to lose patience.

"God, Kaku you're my perfect match, and I'm taking you on a date. End of story."

No sound could be heard throughout the entire studio. Even the audience was silent.

Sensing the intense wave of awkwardness that had settled over everyone Fukurō grabbed Kalifa's mike. "Well, I guess that's our show as we see our two lovers off we hope you join us next time on Blind Date. I'm your host Fukurō signing off." As the show went off air, Fukurō grabbed both Lucci and Kaku and dragged them back stage.

"Great show you guys… umm… yea…" He then left the two alone as we went back to meet up with Kalifa.

"So what do you think will happen now?" Kalifa asked her voice unsteady. She was pretty sure Lucci was going to kill them now.

Fukurō however just shook his head. "Well for one thing," He said while smiling, "We have a date to plan. No time to lose. Come on now, chop, chop." Kalifa followed the green haired ball of crazy out of the studio, but not without grabbing unconscious Kumadori.

_'This way it's only the two of them'_ she thought to herself.

From in front Fukurō called out, "Coming Kalifa?"

"Yeah!" She yelled back.

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Lucci stared as Kaku fidgeted nervously.

_'Damn assholes always butting in,'_ he cursed underneath his breath.

"You say something Lucci?" Kaku asked more out of habit than anything else.

Lucci shrugged. "I was wondering how you got pulled into this shit."

Kaku smiled. "I was going to ask you the same thing." He laughed rubbing the back of his neck anxiously.

"Who me? I was tranquilized." Lucci said straight-faced.

Kaku's jaw dropped. "Really?"

"Yep, I was walking in the street, when someone jumped me. Before I could react they got me in the neck." Lucci leaned over to show Kaku his neck. "Pretty strong stuff, too I still feel dizzy."

"Ha, oh well as for me Kalifa said there was a party and so I should dress formal. But, to be honest I only came in hopes for a salad bar."

Lucci could have sworn he saw the faintest blush on the younger man's face.

"You're such a giraffe…"

"That's because giraffes are awesome…WAY BETTER THAN WOLVES~"

Lucci laughed. "I guess that settles it then."

"Settles what?"

Sighing at the younger's unawareness Lucci grabbed Kaku by his slim waist, pulling him close.

"That you're my perfect match, of course."

Kaku shuddered as he felt Lucci's hot breath on his sensitive neck.

"S-stop'" He breathed, "M-my neck is s-sensitive..ahhh~!"

Lucci bit down semi hard. He smiled, noting the nicely colored bruise on Kaku's neck.

"You're **_MY_** perfect match." Lucci growled.

Kaku nodded feverishly. "A-a-and you're m-mine." He said as he connected their lips tighter.

Lucci filched as soon as Kaku's soft lips touch his. His mind processing everything that was happening at recorded speed. Shutting it off he allowed Kaku to deepen the kiss. Immediately the kiss turned heated as Lucci tongue prodded its way into Kaku's hot cavern. The two men then battled for dominance, a battle which Lucci easily won. When they finally parted for air their faces were flushed and they were breathing heavily.

"You're not really going to kill them are you?" Kaku asked while panting, using Lucci's broad shoulder to hold him up. Lucci replied with a smirk.

"No," He said, "I guess they can live another day…"

_'Maybe it wasn't a bad idea for them to intervene after all.'_ Lucci thought to himself as he recaptured Kaku's lips in another breathtaking kiss.

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**A/N: Yay~ I'm done. Review and Love~ **

**I love all of CP9 to death especially Kumadori and Jyabura. SO no I'm not bashing them it's called tough love. Same goes for Luffy, I don't have a problem with him, but alas Lucci does. **

**This was fun to write; in fact I wrote it at the dentist office. My mouth's numb but my hands still work, so take that. ****_I really wish I could eat though… _**

**_Thanks for the reviews on Complicated Hesitation my PaulieXIceburg Fic. I changed it to AU. I don't know how I missed the whole cell phone den den mushi thing but I did. *sigh*_**


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